Sunday, October 26, 2008

Feeling Better

I went (again) to the doctor on Thursday. I started asking questions about the frequency of my visits. When I asked her why I needed the biophysical profiles (really long ultrasound) every week, she said that the risk of sudden death to the baby is high with gestational diabetes babies. I was shocked, as this has never been mentioned to me in any of my (3) previous G.D. pregnancies. Of course I immediately started to worry. I became obsessed with tracking movement and would panic if it had been too long since I felt her move. After I left the doctor it occurred to me that I should have asked "So is the profile to see if the baby has died or is it to look for signs that could lead to the death of the baby?" I forgot to ask if there was a known cause for this "sudden death." So I came home and did some research. I found out that the biophysical profiles are to look for the deterioration of the vessels in the umbilical cord, and the flow of blood to the vital organs. It is common for the fluctuation of the sugar in my blood, to cause the vessels to deteriorate, collapse and cut off nutrients and oxygen to the baby. If this started happening, they would take her early. It was comforting to me to know that there are warning signs of "sudden death" and with close monitoring through the weekly profiles, we will have a good chance of catching the problem.

There was no budging on the 2x week NST's, either. It must be done. It's going to be a long road from here on out. I figured out that I will have 20 visits between now and the delivery.

I signed the tubal ligation papers a couple of weeks ago. I had to get used to the idea before I made this information public. I was encouraged to do this when I had Liam, but just didn't feel like I was ready, or "done." I was afraid of mourning the loss of my fertility. What if I regreted the decision 2,3 or four years down the road. I just couldn't come to terms with it. This time, though, I know that I can NOT do this again. My body just can't take it. I know we are not supposed to make such a decision while pregnant, but I actually made this decision before I ever got pregnant with this little pink caboose. So our train will roll on, but will not pick up any additional cargo. We have made this a matter of prayer. There are many practical reasons like, we can't afford it. More importantly, though.......we know our family is (almost) complete.



Shellie said...

I know exactly how you feel. Last year I had no choice in having a hysterectomy. My uterus was so then in coult have ruptured at any time, like if one of the kids came running up to me and put their arms around my waste to hug me. Jesse and I had wanted at least one more, but had I gotten pregnant it would have been disaterious. It was a decsion of either do it or risk rupture and possible death.
It is a scary kind of thought, not being able to have any more children, but atleast you got to have 6. I wrestled too with the idea of not having a uterus, one of the things that makes us women. The organ that sustains life...Now mine is gone, would I still feel like a women? Truth be told, nothing really changed for me other than the idea that I do not have to worry about uterian or cervical cancer any more, I don't have periods any more yeah! It is a hard thing to do,but in the long run just remember the benefits, you will not have to worry about losing your life or the life of a child, you will be able to be there for your family for a long time to come. If you feel you would like to talk to someone who has been there, feel free to call or email me.

Country Girl said...

Best of luck to you with your little one. I too have never had my tubes tied for the same reasons but at this point in life I am all set with the 2 I have. Sorry I've never said hello before even though I have peeped in before...I work with Mike and he told me about you.

Kaity Hall said...

Hey Kim!!! I've been blog jumping and found all kinds of my friend's blogs!! Hurray!! I've been keeping you in my prayers, both you and the baby. I can't wait to see her when she's born!!

God Bless,